I recently read the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No – by Henry Cloud
I have boundary trouble with a few people in my life. One of those people is my mother. While reflectively asking myself what kind of boundary policies I might adopt in my relationship with my mother I realized the trouble was not so much with specific, isolated boundaries that might be breached as much as it was why they were breached. I realized two things: one, that I needed her to respect me in a couple of ways that she does not comprehend; and two, that she unconsciously looks to me and others to meet needs in her life which cannot actually be met by us. Namely, she has a need to find a greater sense of being loved and finding fulfillment in life that no person can give her, but which she will only be able to find in welcoming a deeper, personal relationship with God as her loving and active Father, whose deep waters alone are sufficient to meet each of our longings. A compounding difficulty, she has also for many years, led a lifestyle that has wielded social isolation.
I love my mother, and the goal of boundaries is of course to set parameters in relationship such that healthy interaction can be achieved while the danger of abuse, or the ultimate but sometimes necessary boundary of severing a relationship can be avoided. A severed relationship is something I find unlikely to be necessary with my mother, but in reflecting on what kind of boundary polices I might adopt with my mother, and feeling that Cloud and Townsend had left out a “missing link” I stumbled into a conversation in which the question of what offends a person was brought up. While I would normally say that not much of anything actually offends me, I suddenly had this epiphany – probably in part due to recent interaction – that my mother actually does do a couple of things that really do get under my skin and really do offend me. Although I cannot say that my thinking was very linear, later, as I attempted to put pen to paper on specific boundary ideas regarding my mother I began to think on the things she did which offended me, and instead of making a list of boundary ideas I made a list of specialized points on which I desired her to respect me. As soon as I did this the “missing link” in the boundary equation came clearly into the light….
What I need in my relationships is respect, not boundaries. Boundary setting is an excellent health measure to take in relationship with those who do not understand respect completely enough to fully “do to others as you would have them do to you;” but it is not a desired result – it is a stepping stone.
The difficulty in making specific, isolated boundaries against random boundary incursions is that these individual boundaries can seem arbitrary. In considering such boundaries I had an awareness that under different conditions and with different individuals I had no desire to hold these same boundaries. Thus, I realized that it was not specific actions which I considered to necessarily be boundary breaches in a relationship, but rather that I need to place boundaries between myself and the actions of those who do not offer me a fully respectful relationship.
All of this said, what I have really wanted to share is my concept of a “respect list.” I created a specialized list of points on which I need my mother to respect me in order to find a healthy relationship. I will not share that list, but I next went on to create a more generalized list of points on which I need to find respect in all my relationships in order for those relationships to be healthy and not necessitate special boundaries. This list applies to everyone from my family and closest friends, to my most loose outer circle of acquaintances, and those I am meeting for the first time. Some of these are points which are specially important to me and others are points which I do not generally experience problems with but which I must include as generically imperative. My list is as follows:
I need those who desire healthy relationship with me to grant me respect:
- not to belittle or demean me
- to have true commonality with me as a platform for co-creativity – this means we have to have something in common for our relationship to work, either we are family members, or we are drawn together by mutual enjoyment of certain activities, or we benefit from one another’s thinking and creativity – it is not possible to be in close relationship with everyone – we must not try to be like someone else, or compel others to be like us in order for relationships to work – we can accept others with respect and even admiration as members of our outer circle of friends or even acquaintances without needing them to be close to us in order to find value and benefit in the relationship – the truth is that we as individuals need not only inner circles of close friendships, but also outer circles of looser friendships and acquaintances – these in being different from us may keep us more fully in contact with the diversity, vastness and functionality of the whole and bigger world which we might otherwise struggle more difficultly to understand and flourish in without their help, even through less regular interaction
- not to overburden me with needs that are not meant to be met by me – this can manifest itself in different ways, but it essentially means that as adults we are not meant to be each others parents – everyone needs someone to hold their hand sometime – romantically this could be everyday, but as a state of crisis it cannot – we all need more love than any one person can give us – and not only do we all need more than one friend can give us (e.g. a husband needs more than just a wife, and a wife needs more than just a husband), but we also need to know and feel God’s active love for us personally, and to come to enjoy reciprocating that love
- to be honest – not to hold back, hide or lie – learning how to manage the truth after it has been spoken is a skill – but no relationship will prosper without it
- to root for me – if you are my friend I want to see good things for you – likewise you should rejoice in the same for me
- to encourage me – we all need this – in some cases positive language endorses this to the extent that it becomes hollow, don’t do that, but you know…
- to direct me to God – we all need this, and I value it more than I can even express
- to maintain healthy boundaries against me – no one has perfect vision and we all misstep at times – protect yourself against me! – in doing so we will both be happier
- allow me to be honest without severing relationship – I am desperate for those who speak the truth – you will not harm but only enhance the relationship you have with me by speaking the truth – likewise please grant that I may speak the truth without fear that you will want to terminate the relationship
- to communicate clearly – (this added just before print) – if you have a doubt as to whether I understood something you said – make sure – ask me – we filter things through our perspective, sometimes we interpret nearly opposite an intended meaning – don’t make your words too few – believe in communication
These same respects that I seek in others also apply to me. If I am in relationship I desire to grant these respects. In relationships that do not grant these respects I will probably need boundaries. Boundaries can come in several forms such as limiting time spent with a specific individual, not sharing the sensitive things in one’s heart with a specific individual, not discussing certain topics with a specific individual, or learning to say “no” to certain requests from or activities with specific individuals… but that is another topic.
Here, I merely desire to share my personal discovery into when boundaries are needed in my life – and it has been my discovery that I need boundaries when there is a lack of respect. I stumbled into the creation of a repect list with my mother, and from there went on to create another list in regard to all my relationships – both have been helpful. I have also discussed the possibility of creating a respect list for choosing a church, and even viewing poor health choices as breaches of respect for one’s personal health. There are probably many possibilities.
Is it possible that an exploration into boundaries or a respect list could be helpful to you in your relationships?
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