I received this video from a friend of mine yesterday and thought it was worth sharing with the group….enjoy:
He mentions his book at the end. I haven’t read it myself but I have heard good things about it and hope to read it soon:
Archive for the ‘Emotional’ Category
John Lynch – Biola University Chapel
Wednesday, March 10th, 2010
Respect List
Saturday, January 16th, 2010
I recently read the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No – by Henry Cloud
I have boundary trouble with a few people in my life. One of those people is my mother. While reflectively asking myself what kind of boundary policies I might adopt in my relationship with my mother I realized the trouble was not so much with specific, isolated boundaries that might be breached as much as it was why they were breached. I realized two things: one, that I needed her to respect me in a couple of ways that she does not comprehend; and two, that she unconsciously looks to me and others to meet needs in her life which cannot actually be met by us. Namely, she has a need to find a greater sense of being loved and finding fulfillment in life that no person can give her, but which she will only be able to find in welcoming a deeper, personal relationship with God as her loving and active Father, whose deep waters alone are sufficient to meet each of our longings. A compounding difficulty, she has also for many years, led a lifestyle that has wielded social isolation.
I love my mother, and the goal of boundaries is of course to set parameters in relationship such that healthy interaction can be achieved while the danger of abuse, or the ultimate but sometimes necessary boundary of severing a relationship can be avoided. A severed relationship is something I find unlikely to be necessary with my mother, but in reflecting on what kind of boundary polices I might adopt with my mother, and feeling that Cloud and Townsend had left out a “missing link” I stumbled into a conversation in which the question of what offends a person was brought up. While I would normally say that not much of anything actually offends me, I suddenly had this epiphany – probably in part due to recent interaction – that my mother actually does do a couple of things that really do get under my skin and really do offend me. Although I cannot say that my thinking was very linear, later, as I attempted to put pen to paper on specific boundary ideas regarding my mother I began to think on the things she did which offended me, and instead of making a list of boundary ideas I made a list of specialized points on which I desired her to respect me. As soon as I did this the “missing link” in the boundary equation came clearly into the light….
What I need in my relationships is respect, not boundaries. Boundary setting is an excellent health measure to take in relationship with those who do not understand respect completely enough to fully “do to others as you would have them do to you;” but it is not a desired result – it is a stepping stone.
The difficulty in making specific, isolated boundaries against random boundary incursions is that these individual boundaries can seem arbitrary. In considering such boundaries I had an awareness that under different conditions and with different individuals I had no desire to hold these same boundaries. Thus, I realized that it was not specific actions which I considered to necessarily be boundary breaches in a relationship, but rather that I need to place boundaries between myself and the actions of those who do not offer me a fully respectful relationship.
All of this said, what I have really wanted to share is my concept of a “respect list.” I created a specialized list of points on which I need my mother to respect me in order to find a healthy relationship. I will not share that list, but I next went on to create a more generalized list of points on which I need to find respect in all my relationships in order for those relationships to be healthy and not necessitate special boundaries. This list applies to everyone from my family and closest friends, to my most loose outer circle of acquaintances, and those I am meeting for the first time. Some of these are points which are specially important to me and others are points which I do not generally experience problems with but which I must include as generically imperative. My list is as follows:
I need those who desire healthy relationship with me to grant me respect:
- not to belittle or demean me
- to have true commonality with me as a platform for co-creativity – this means we have to have something in common for our relationship to work, either we are family members, or we are drawn together by mutual enjoyment of certain activities, or we benefit from one another’s thinking and creativity – it is not possible to be in close relationship with everyone – we must not try to be like someone else, or compel others to be like us in order for relationships to work – we can accept others with respect and even admiration as members of our outer circle of friends or even acquaintances without needing them to be close to us in order to find value and benefit in the relationship – the truth is that we as individuals need not only inner circles of close friendships, but also outer circles of looser friendships and acquaintances – these in being different from us may keep us more fully in contact with the diversity, vastness and functionality of the whole and bigger world which we might otherwise struggle more difficultly to understand and flourish in without their help, even through less regular interaction
- not to overburden me with needs that are not meant to be met by me – this can manifest itself in different ways, but it essentially means that as adults we are not meant to be each others parents – everyone needs someone to hold their hand sometime – romantically this could be everyday, but as a state of crisis it cannot – we all need more love than any one person can give us – and not only do we all need more than one friend can give us (e.g. a husband needs more than just a wife, and a wife needs more than just a husband), but we also need to know and feel God’s active love for us personally, and to come to enjoy reciprocating that love
- to be honest – not to hold back, hide or lie – learning how to manage the truth after it has been spoken is a skill – but no relationship will prosper without it
- to root for me – if you are my friend I want to see good things for you – likewise you should rejoice in the same for me
- to encourage me – we all need this – in some cases positive language endorses this to the extent that it becomes hollow, don’t do that, but you know…
- to direct me to God – we all need this, and I value it more than I can even express
- to maintain healthy boundaries against me – no one has perfect vision and we all misstep at times – protect yourself against me! – in doing so we will both be happier
- allow me to be honest without severing relationship – I am desperate for those who speak the truth – you will not harm but only enhance the relationship you have with me by speaking the truth – likewise please grant that I may speak the truth without fear that you will want to terminate the relationship
- to communicate clearly – (this added just before print) – if you have a doubt as to whether I understood something you said – make sure – ask me – we filter things through our perspective, sometimes we interpret nearly opposite an intended meaning – don’t make your words too few – believe in communication
These same respects that I seek in others also apply to me. If I am in relationship I desire to grant these respects. In relationships that do not grant these respects I will probably need boundaries. Boundaries can come in several forms such as limiting time spent with a specific individual, not sharing the sensitive things in one’s heart with a specific individual, not discussing certain topics with a specific individual, or learning to say “no” to certain requests from or activities with specific individuals… but that is another topic.
Here, I merely desire to share my personal discovery into when boundaries are needed in my life – and it has been my discovery that I need boundaries when there is a lack of respect. I stumbled into the creation of a repect list with my mother, and from there went on to create another list in regard to all my relationships – both have been helpful. I have also discussed the possibility of creating a respect list for choosing a church, and even viewing poor health choices as breaches of respect for one’s personal health. There are probably many possibilities.
Is it possible that an exploration into boundaries or a respect list could be helpful to you in your relationships?
Margin: A foundation for happiness
Thursday, December 24th, 2009
I was flying home from Indianapolis last week after a hard week of work and school. I was exhausted and craving time with my family. My plane was on the final approach for Atlanta and it was already dark so all I could see were the lights of homes and businesses spreading out all the way to the horizon.
I began to think about all the people, striving to own a little more land, a little bigger house, and a nicer car. I started thinking about all the stress and anxiety that must exist just below me because of the down economy, strained relationships, hectic schedules, etc. I also wondered how much happiness, joy, contentment, and fulfillment I was flying over. I began to think about my own happiness and the goals I have set for my life and for my family. I realized that what I am craving in life is not more money or success but simply time with my family (specifically time when I am not preoccupied with financial burdens, distracted by work, or cranky from exhaustion, stress, and personal commitments).
I realized that what I am craving is simply “margin”. There are many definitions of margin but I am referring to this kind of margin:
“An amount beyond what is needed”
I realize that most people (including myself) rarely strive after margin. We strive after promotions, bonuses, improvements, and upgrades (i.e. – a better paying job, a bigger house, a newer widget, etc). 
Sometimes we are trying to impress our ______, sometimes we perceive that we need a new ______ to make us happy, and sometimes we are just chasing after______ because we don’t know what else to chase after.
I listen to Dave Ramsey on the radio sometimes and one of the things I have noticed repeatedly is that when people call in to announce amazing amounts of debt that they have paid off, it doesn’t seem to matter how much their annual income is….they all sound intensely happy. Why are they so happy? They are typically earning the same annual income now as they were before they were out of debt so the only good explanation I can come up with is MARGIN. Now, whether they make $17,000 a year or $170,000 a year, they have “An amount beyond what is needed”. I hear the extreme happiness in their voices and I know that what I should be striving for is not more but less.
It seems that the two prerequisites for margin are needing less (surplus) and wanting less (contentment).
SURPLUS – No matter how much money a person makes, if their monthly expenses consume all (or more) of their monthly income then they will usually be stressed out and unhappy. Margin by definition is having a surplus. We would all like to make more but that is much harder to accomplish than making changes so that we will need less.
CONTENTMENT – a feeling or state of being satisfied with one’s possessions, status, and situation in life. Nothing changes in our external world, we simply have a new perspective that makes us appreciative of what we have instead of focused on what we don’t have.
This idea of margin is not limited to our finances. For example, my wife and I found that our family was suffering from having no margin in our schedules about a year ago. It took some time to implement the changes but we were able to free up time in our schedules by cutting out things that didn’t add value to our relationships or our goals. Free time = margin in our schedules = peace.
As we head into this new year, I hope for myself, my family, and for each of you, a year of increased margin in all areas of life.
Blessings, BoB
PS – Just a couple last thoughts on this topic: I am not suggesting that we should avoid taking better jobs or making more money…we should just try to lower our “marginal propensity to consume”. A bigger shovel is better but not if the pile we have to scoop becomes too heavy to lift
I am also not suggesting we should avoid responsibility or commitments…we should just make sure we set boundaries regarding our time so that we are committed to and responsible for the things most important to us instead of every distraction the world puts in front of us. We are called to be good stewards..not just with our money but with our time, talents, relationships, and other resources.
Is Faith Delusional?
Friday, November 20th, 2009
Like most Christians, I enjoy sharing the “good news”. I’m not the type that walks up to strangers in the grocery store to ask if they’re “saved” or if they have “accepted Christ as savior” but, in my own way, I share the hope that is in me. I consider myself to be an analytical person and I enjoy studying philosophy, logic, and “Truth”. I remember as a kid trying to understand God and wanting to develop a relationship with Him through an increase in knowledge about Him. I read the Bible, studied science, and listened to older people that I perceived to be wise and successful in life. I grew in “faith” but I couldn’t say that I knew for sure that there was a God…only that it seemed logical to me and that I thought the evidence for His existence was overwhelming.
Over the years, but especially recently, I have run into people that seem to think that faith in God is delusional. They think that Christians (and theists in general) have “fooled” themselves into believing in God to satisfy emotional needs or because of ignorance they have been fooled by the money loving preachers into supporting the church and pronouncing faith in God to avoid Hell. Many of us have witnessed even the most devout atheist call on God when disaster strikes or life gets out-of-control…but that is arguably just another example of a delusional faith. So is faith delusional? I think it can be. I don’t doubt that many people’s faith in God is rooted in fear, or ignorance, or emotional insecurity. Is there such a thing as a “true faith” that springs forth from reality and not from emotional self-deceit or fear?
I have found that no matter how convincing my arguments or logical my reasoning, people do not typically come to have faith in God because of reason. Reason may open the door to true faith but without an encounter with God a person will typically continue to live with some doubt of God’s existence…or worse, doubt about God’s love for and interest in them as an individual. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that faith in God is illogical or unreasonable. On the contrary, I think it is by far the most reasonable assumption and, when thoroughly studied, the only logical conclusion. Some great examples of the logic and reason I am referring to are detailed in books like Mere Christianity
The problem is that many people are trying to prove or disprove God within the realm of the natural world and the bounds of scientific observation. If God created the Universe(s), then HE was OUTSIDE of the universe(s) at the time of creation. We may never be able to prove or disprove something that is outside of our ability to “study”. That may be why theists rarely become atheists from logical discussion and the same reason why atheists rarely become theists because of logical discussions. There is literally NO END to the arguments for and against God’s existence. While they are fun to participate in, they usually only lead to frustration and anger for anyone not willing to agree to disagree.
So why do I have faith? How can I trust that my faith is based in reality? How can I know that God loves me and knows me specifically? It is not only because of the reading and thinking I have done. It is because of what I have experienced. So here is what I”m going to do. The rest of this post is going to be used to document my first encounter with God. I would like any believer that reads this post to please take a minute and share the story of your first encounter with God as well.
I am sharing this not because I think that the knowledge of my experience alone will be enough to bring someone to faith in God…it is, after all, just another bit of knowledge, just another story, and will never be enough to bring someone else to faith. I do hope, however, that by reading my story, it would encourage some non-believer to consider the possibility of God. By being open to the possibility, it is my hope that they will seek their own experience with the God of the universe and know Him not as a “logical conclusion” but as a “Father”. So here goes:
My first encounter with God is not a particularly miraculous story from a “third party observer” standpoint but for me it was an epiphany and redirected the entire course of my life. The moment I am referring to happened my senior year in high school but let me give you a quick recap of my “religious” life up to that point first. My parents were both raised Catholic but when I was young they got divorced and my mom married into the Baptist church. I grew up baptist and learned a lot about God but still had more questions than answers. In late elementary/early middle school I became convinced of God’s existence, mostly logically, but I do remember submitting my life to Christ and “feeling something”, but as real as it felt to me at the time, I wasn’t sure years later if it was my own emotions or God’s presence. I felt joy and peace but I didn’t really experience an “epiphany” or anything beyond normal human emotion. I do remember noticing at that point in my life something very different about the character and confidence of what I considered to be “mature” Christians…something that I hoped I would develop as my relationship with Christ grew. Things went well for several years and my faith continued to survive…until high school. I remember being so confused during my high school years by the mixed messages I received at Church, Home, School, at my after school job at Burger King, and from my friends. I became very short-sighted, selfish, and “base” in my behavior. My grades were suffering, my relationships with my friends and girlfriend were suffering, and I often felt depressed, confused, and lost. So that brings me to my senior year….
I was dating a girl named Bethany (now my wife) and I was going to go and see her get inducted into the National Honor Society at our High School. I had gotten off work late and was unable to make it on time. I was so disappointed that I missed the event. As I was walking back out to my pickup truck, I saw my Chemistry teacher in the hallway, leaving for the night. His name was Phil Short and I highly respected him because of the amazing life he had lived and the way that he treated me and my classmates (no matter how poorly they treated him in return). He saw me and said “hi” and began talking with me. Mr Short was a Christian but also a bit of a rebel. During the course of our conversation he began to share things with me that I had never heard of before, never thought of before, and that resonated with me as Truth (truth claims about creation, Jesus, purpose, eternity,etc). I started having those old feelings of joy and peace swell up inside me. We talked for a long time and then Mr. Short said he had to get going. I walked out to my truck feeling a little confused but a lot hopeful.
I sat down in my Chevy, closed the door, and looked up at the beautiful, clear, star-filled sky. I began to talk to God..not like a “prayer” but more like a conversation. I told Him that if He really existed then I wanted to know Him (something I had done many times before with no noticeable response from God). I wanted Him to confirm if what I just heard from Mr. Short was true. I wanted to know if He noticed me and if He had plans for me. At that moment, as I sat there pleading for God to make Himself known to me, I suddenly felt something I had never experienced before.
I felt completely overcome with what I knew was God’s presence. It felt like electricity was flowing through my body and like the full power of the universe was pressing in on me. I felt more peace, and love, and joy, and certainty of God’s presence than I ever thought was possible. I KNEW it was God. I KNEW that He loved me. I KNEW that He had specific plans for me and that He wanted to use me as much as I would allow Him to. I can’t tell you if the experience lasted for 3 seconds or 30 minutes but as I drove away that night I KNEW that I would NEVER doubt the existence of God or His love for me again. I recommitted my life to Christ Jesus that night and I am thankful for the light that He has brought into my life every day since then.
When I look back at the history of my life, that was the year my life “started”…the year I was “born again”…the year I became a new creation. My wife knows better than anyone the transformation that God made in my heart over the next few months.
I still struggle with sin, still have many questions, and still crave His presence, but I don’t doubt that He loves me like a perfect father.
I have only had a handful of experiences like this in my life. I go sometimes months or even years with nothing but then suddenly God shows up and surrounds me with His presence. Its not something someone can tell you about or explain to you in a way that will make it real for you. There isn’t something unique about me that makes God willing to “visit” me but not someone else. I believe He loves all people the same way. I believe He is pursuing everyone with the same passion and love. He is a gentleman though. He respects our free will…He is after-all the one who gave it to us. He will not make one person choose him. He calls us to repentance…but He doesn’t force us. He loves us while we are sinners. He loves us as we are. He has plans for us…according to Jeremiah 29:11 He has “plans for good, and not for evil, to give us a future and a hope”.
This post is getting long so I am going to wrap it up. If you are a believer, and you consider yourself to have an unneurotic faith, please click “reply” on this post and share your story of the first time you experienced God’s presence and the certainty of His love.
If you can’t immediately recall having experienced God then please consider turning off your computer, finding a quiet place away from everything, and calling out to God. I can’t promise that you will feel anything or experience anything…but, it won’t hurt to try. Remember though, God doesn’t respond well to demands…at least not based on the stories I’ve heard over the years or based on my own experience. Many people try to say things like “reveal yourself now or I am going to stop believing in you!” That never worked for me. I have never heard of anyone (although there may be an exception) hearing from God using that approach. God seems to respond 
best when we humble ourselves and when we seek Him on His terms. I may be wrong about this…if others leave their stories we may see something different..after all, God is not a formula…He does as He pleases. I’ll close with a few verses from the Bible though that seem to support my observations:
Isaiah 66:1-2
1 This is what the LORD says:
“Heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool.
Where is the house you will build for me?
Where will my resting place be?
2 Has not my hand made all these things,
and so they came into being?”
declares the LORD.
“This is the one I esteem:
he who is humble and contrite in spirit,
and trembles at my word.
Daniel 10:11-12
11 He said, “Daniel, you who are highly esteemed, consider carefully the words I am about to speak to you, and stand up, for I have now been sent to you.” And when he said this to me, I stood up trembling.
12 Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them.
James 4:5-10
5 What do you think the Scriptures mean when they say that the spirit God has placed within us is filled with envy?[a] 6 But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say,
“God opposes the proud
but favors the humble.”[b]
7 So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. 9 Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.
Psalm 25:8-10
8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
2 Chronicles 33:11-13
11 So the LORD brought against them the army commanders of the king of Assyria, who took Manasseh prisoner, put a hook in his nose, bound him with bronze shackles and took him to Babylon. 12 In his distress he sought the favor of the LORD his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers. 13 And when he prayed to him, the LORD was moved by his entreaty and listened to his plea; so he brought him back to Jerusalem and to his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the LORD is God.
Psalm 18:27-28
27 You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
28 You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
Writing this post has made me realize that I have let my relationship with God grow lax. I have let my focus drift to the stresses of life and my plans for myself and my family. I have been craving His presence for many months but haven’t taken time to humble myself before Him and “seek His face“. I am going to a men’s retreat in a couple weeks with some close friends of mine. Hopefully I will hear from God that weekend….or sooner.
As this week of Thanksgiving approaches, please consider carving out some time to be alone with the Lord. And, in the spirit of the Love Dare, if you are married with children, consider watching your kids and providing some quiet time for your spouse too. Blessings, Anthony